been through alot the past few months since ive left bellevue, i felt like i was getting out of a really bad relationship and the only person that was watching sink was tiff. then i met krystle, and she became someone in my life that i needed. i am and still living with her and things have been interesting per say…she’s a handful, she a girl with a good heart, good intentions but has a lot more growing up to do with herself. i love her to death i really do she reminds me of me when i was young and stupid and wanting the world to take pity on me. its a fuckin scary thing to see from a strangers point of view. it’s like ‘that was me?’ goodness i can’t believe i acted like that…i finally got a job after being jobless in like forever with a company i can really stand behind now, sadly its retail again lol

no matter how many times you try and walk away it just keeps coming back to me…haha

currently dating someone and taking it very slow…(which is a first for me) but i’m happy and glad the way things are going. i haven’t smiled this much in a long time…

so i was having a decent morning till afshari calls me up asking me for m oney…money thati do not have right now, because i need it for myself…and asking me when my next paycheck is

right now as the start of my week, i finally get paid from working at spirit and prolly my last check from them so i’m flippin happy as hell going to the bank to deposit it and i find out that my checking account has been closed off due to a negative balance. ive had a negative balance for quite sometime but i was making deposits to get it back down to zero and have sme money in my account. unfornately chase didnt think so. so i was forced to make a deposit into my sasvings account,which everything in on a hold until i hear from the bank so i can flippong pay of my negative balance and move on with my life. then to make matters worse afshari calls me on my new number and of course i know who gives him my number (fuckin joe…i’m going to slash his tires on his new car) and asks me where the money i owe them. i was suppose to pay the termination fee of 200 to them, i told them friday i should be getting paid. obviously that didn’t happen. when it comes to money my birth mother becomes a money grubbing whore, so i had to tell him the best excuse…”i’m having trouble with my bank i can’t get it to you right now….” with adding “i’m going to mail it cos i’m not going to be able to come into the store”

only to add of it was a great way to start my fuckin week off. over the weekend krystle goes into barnes and noble to find out about my hiring status, ad tells me the manager is there and to call. so i call twice actually and one manager tells me there are still evaluating and he’ll call me in a bit. two days goes by and i make another call to another manager the one that interviewed me and she tells me they just filled the postion…wtf…and to top it off i get a consolidation card from them saying the same thing if they called me. fml

now i have to wake the bank first thing in the morning then figure out my finance situatuion, i mean i have fuckin bills to pay right now, i can’t have this really not now, and being jobless sucks monkey balls…i still want to fly home and visit, and visit granny…and maybe possibly still plan my trip to freakin europe because i promised myself i would do it. oh yea and move home…FML

dammi! dammit! dammit!

don’t do this to me…

updates, updates updates….i moved out, impulsively again. but i had good reason this time i swear!!! i had a fall out with my mom who now i know is fuckin insane. so apparently im an asian white trash whore, and i wont ever find a decent guy in my life that is only good enough to meet in a white trash bar (apparently this means paul), but wait, a majorirty of men i dated may have been assholes but at least they have a college education! *thumbs up* ooh and they have all their teeth, and guess what? have decent jobs. what goes on between myself and them is none of your fuckin business.

im the whore…i didnt get myself knocked up and jump from how many different marriages?

okay so enough of that, of literally making me feel likeim the scum of the earth and somewhat being a constant reminder of my father but you get that by looking at tarra, oh wait…she doesn’t care about you, cos she tricked you into paying off her car, so you’re fucked out of 15 grand…sucks to be you. and yet i’m the horrible trashy person…fuck this noise i’m done.

so i ended up, literally packing my shit in one night called up krystle who i barely met a few days before when i was at work and she offered me to stay with her to get away from my family. packed up ni one night and the next morning i called krystle to help me move everything before i had to work that day. she came over i packed everything nearly in one car and some trickled over to her car and made it out by noon. that mornign i woke up and waited till she and shaun had left, i got my things ready, washed the sheets and vacuumed the room and ran. i went to work that day stayed until closing then drove to the new store and gave my key to afshari, needless to say he wasnt surprised, considering i have been coming back to the house two nights in a row after everyone had gone to bed. 9months of hell i cannot not take it anymore. never in my life even with my folks back in walnut i wanted to kill myself more.i ended becoming extremely grateful for my father and the way he raised, no wonder he took me from her. i dont regret it not a moment. the one i call ‘mom’ is in walnut she’s my ‘mommy’ cos she raised me thebest she knew how even though i wasn’t hers. i laughed, cried, and argued with her but she was my mom. calling her ‘mom’ was more sufficed than the one i lived with for 9 months. i called her mom only because she gave birth to me. its sad, that she wont ever move past anything that has happened in her life. her life is stagnant for it, wont ever flourish with all the negative brewing inside of her. for it she will always be who she is, she tried to change me, and every single time it failed. i played her game but slowly began to lose myself along the process. it made me sick inside, and began to reach out to fill my void. when really i was fine just being me. its been a week already ive changed my number, and cut all ties with them and i’m happy about that. i have no reason to owe them anything. she just gave birth to me and if she’s going to hold that over my head then so be it, iat least i can walk on a path that is honest and true.

FUCK YOU. i’m out.

i’m too damn nice for my own good. when i think im doing the right thing, i end jeopardizing myself, my own mental stability. its been almost a year from where i was last year…

holy shit…things have changed. everything i ever knew was falling down on me and i didnt know how to stop or fix it. i was overwhelmed with everything in my life. on e year later i havent completely lost it…its safe to say i have grown alot now. i took myself out of my comfort (again.) and dropped myself in a area that i was treading very lightly. actually i didnt tread at all, i just ran right through it…and no one on this side to the country was prepared for it. i’m different.

i’m proud of who i am, i think ive gotten softer, to an extent, however my wall is up again. like tiff said come hell or high water, people have to beat down the wall if they want in. it eventually crumbles…